i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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