turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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