I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
