were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
