you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
