She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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