He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
