He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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