My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
