You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
