Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
