Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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