woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
