you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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