Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
