Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
