I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
