I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
