I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
