you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
