Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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