I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
