Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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