I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
