I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
All the doctor said was why
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
