so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
