I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
