Already got asked if we're dating
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
