i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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