I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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