I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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