I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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