We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
