so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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