i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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