ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
