The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
