you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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