i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
