My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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