Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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