She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
