rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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