we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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