I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
