they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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