I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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