woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
God I need to hump something, right now.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
