I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
