I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
