Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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